The Magic Fair
by Darcelona
Summary: An anwser to METMA Mandy's challenge, this is really funny. Please read!!!


The Magic Fair 

Disclaimer: JKR owns everything, and I AM AN INEDIBLE BISCUIT!!!

A/N Hello my little cherubs, here is the answer to METMA Mandy's newest challenge. It takes place during 5th year and it has this thing that's kinda like a science fair, only for wizards. I hope it's at least semi funny. Here were the requirements:

*must be funny  
*someone has to say "Kiss me, I'm IRISH!"  
*Harry can't be Irish. ;)  
*Crabbe needs to get plastic surgery

*someone has to say "Yo soy muy aburrido" which is "I am very boring" in Spanish

*someone needs to be wearing pink tights at one point

*a teacup needs to speak  
*Gilderoy Lockhart needs to be mentioned or seen.

"SILENCE!" Professor Snape bellowed at his double Potions class with the Slytherins and the Gryffindors "I have a very important announcement to make to you little vermin." he seemed to be directing this comment at the Gryffindors. "Next week, Hogsmeade will be holding its annual Magic Fair. The Magic Fair is an exposition of unusual or complicated spells that have been preformed by the world's top wizards. It is a contest in which each participant uses exhibits it to be judged on its merit. There is a division that is specifically meant for 5th year Hogwarts students and above. There are prizes and other such nonsense and it takes place in Hogsmeade Square. For those of you who plan on entering, these projects _must __be __appropriate! " He added menacingly, glaring loathingly at Harry and Ron. _

"Oh, how typical is that," Ron whispered scathingly to Harry, "If anyone's about to do something _inappropriate it's bound to be one of the Slytherins."_

"Shh!" scolded Hermione, "I wanna hear this!" but Snape, instead of having anything to add on the subject of the Magic Fair, turned to grumpily leaf through a pile of parchment on his desk.

"Oh whatever Hermione, chill out." Ron said rudely. In return, Hermione rolled her eyes and became very interested in her Potions textbook, but was careful to shoot Ron a few nasty looks in-between paragraphs.

Harry decided to stop this fight before it got serious, so he asked, "are you entering, Hermione?" knowing perfectly well what the answer would be.

Meanwhile…

On the other side of the dungeon, Draco had not been listening to a word of his teacher's lecture, for the glorious face of Jackalyn Defarge, the most beautiful girl in the school, (in his opinion) had him completely enchanted. She had dirty blonde hair and blazing green eyes.

Jackalyn had always been in Draco's Hogwarts' year and house, but he had always ignored the girl. In Diagon Alley, a few days before the first of September, he had walked smack into her, trying not to stare. Since then, Draco became tongue-tied and sweaty palmed when he tried to talk to her. If he did manage to talk to her, only insults flew out of his mouth. Really, Draco wanted to tell Jackalyn that she was the most beautiful girl in the world, and he wanted her. He needed her.

A grunt disturbed Draco's daydream, for Goyle had just fallen off his stool and was trying to get up with Crabbe's clumsy assistance. Draco hastily smacked each of them upside the head. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Jackalyn shaking her pretty head. Draco felt his heart fall a few notches because the gorgeous pureblood hated him.

Once the dinner bell rang, everyone jumped out of their seats and sprinted to the door; Hermione was obviously eager to get started on her Magic Fair project.

"Oh, c'mon Hermione, go to the library after dinner, we're starving!" Ron complained as he watched her walk swiftly away from them.

"I'm not going to the library," Hermione answered back, "I'm off to Hagrid's house, I'll see you two later!" and with that, she disappeared down a flight of stairs.

"What's she going to Hagrid's for?" Ron asked, looking perplexed.

* * *

Shortly after dinner, Harry and Ron found out exactly why Hermione went to visit Hagrid for she bounded into the common room, her face shining with enthusiasm.

"Hey you guys, come over here and look at this!" Hermione whispered eagerly to Harry and Ron, leading them into a more secluded area of the common room. She opened her bag, and pulled what was unquestionably one of Hagrid's enormous teacups.

"You skipped dinner for a teacup?" Ron asked incredulously.

"It's not just any ordinary teacup," Hermione retorted, "Or at least it won't be once I'm through with it." She then pulled out her wand, pointed at the teacup and murmured, _"Habla!" The teacup shuddered briefly, as if the porcelain were turning to rubber, and the rim of the cup folded over to form a flap that looked something like a mouth. The teacup opened this flap and said: "¡Hola Amigos!" Harry and Ron looked at the teacup in amazement bordering on uncertainty. Neither of them had ever seen a teacup talk before, and did not understand what had just said._

"What did it say?" Harry asked.

"It said 'Hola Amigos' it means hello friends, in Spanish." She was beaming with pride. "I'm going to teach it to sing 'La bamba', it's going to be great!"

"I didn't know you spoke Spanish," Ron said, still gawking at the teacup.

"We vacationed in Spain last summer, didn't you get the sombrero I sent you, Ron?"

"Oh yeah," replied Ron mechanically. His eyes were fixed on the teacup, which was frowning back at him.

"I'm going to enter this cup in the Magic Fair, what do you guys think?"

Ron opened his mouth, but Harry promptly clamped his own over it, then smiled. "Genius, Hermione! Right, Ron?"

"Yeah… _genius," replied Ron sarcastically, finally pulling away from Harry's grip. "Honestly, Hermione, where did you think of such an incredible idea?"_

Hermione was about to snap back at him, but a high-pitched giggle sounded from across the gradually emptying common room. The giggling belonged to Lavender Brown, who was being tickled by her boyfriend, Seamus Finnegan.

"Oh, stop it Seamus, you devil!" Lavender giggled as she squirmed around, trying to get out of his clutches.

"Kiss me, I'm Irish!" Seamus replied playfully.

Hermione snorted with disgust. "Really," she said, glaring at them with repulsion, "Why can't they just get a room?"

* * *

_(Meanwhile, in the Slytherin Common Room....)_

Jackalyn Defarge sat cross-legged on her four-poster bed, skimming the pages of a spell book. She was easily the most witted Slytherin fifth year, and had every intention of entering the Magic Fair. Soon enough, Jackalyn was going to beat Hermione Granger at something… _that filthy Mudblood!_

The last thing Jackalyn expected was a surprise visit from a certain Draco Malfoy, but that was exactly what happened. Draco knocked lightly, as if he were quite unsure whether to proceed or not.

Millicent Bulstrode flung herself off her bed at top speed and galloped to the door in a way that reminded Jackalyn of a single stampeding bull. Of course, Jackalyn would never tell Millicent what she _actually thought of her 'womanly grace;' for Millicent Bulstrode thought herself to be the most beautiful Slytherin (if not student) at Hogwarts. She was hideously ugly, and sometimes Jackalyn wanted to tell her to stuff her face in a brown paper bag._

She flung open the door. "Draco Malfoy?" Millicent spited.

Somewhat rudely, Draco replied, "what, did you expect Ronald Weasley?" Millicent pulled her lips into an awful sour look. Draco momentarily forgot why he'd come up to the girls door, until he saw Jackalyn sitting on her bed past Millicent's oversized head.

"Are you here to see me, Malfoy?" Millicent asked, flushing a little. Draco continued to stare past her at Jackalyn, whose eyes met.

"I don't think so, Millicent," said Jackalyn in an undertone. The plump fifteen-year old girl spun around and tried to shoot Jackalyn a death-look, but failed miserably. It looked somewhat like a cross of a mentally unstable gerbil and an overfed Siamese cat giving a human the evil eye.

Millicent stood for a second, dumbfound. She threw her hands around her abnormally fat hips and wiggled through a gap between Draco and the door, slamming it as she went.

Draco's face reddened as he mumbled, "thanks." Jackalyn ignored him for a second, adding a bookmark to her spell book.

"Don't move, Draco," she said, glancing up casually. Draco Malfoy's mouth fell open. As much as he was awed by Jackalyn's beauty, the girl couldn't tell him what to do. He was Draco Malfoy! Draco stepped forward, felt a tug on his robes and fell face down on the stone floor. The hem of his school uniform had gotten caught in the door, causing his ignominious fall.

"What the…" Draco said stupidly, trying to pull himself up. His cheeks were beat red, and his hands were shaking from impact and nervousness.

"I told you not to move, Malfoy," Jackalyn sighed. "Sometimes it's ok to listen to other people besides you," she added. "You would have noticed that your robes are caught in the door, but no… must go and do whatever someone tells you not to!"

"Er…"

"Oh shut-up _Gay-co," Jackalyn commanded. Draco's mouth immediately fell shut and he looked at her and became as red as Ron Weasley when his twin brothers had planted a stink bomb in his robes a few weeks ago. "What did you want anyway?" Jackalyn asked, a small hint of curiosity in her voice._

Finally getting up and finding his voice, Draco replied, "I wanted to do a magic fair project with you." His eyes darted toward the cold dungeon floor, away from the gorgeous girl in front of him.

"Really?" Jackalyn asked. In her hands was the so far, useless spell book. She twisted it around to her backside, then asked, "do you have any useful ideas?"

Draco looked up for a second and nodded. "Yeah, I have a huge one!"

"Really? What? If it's anywhere as big as that zit on your forehead, I'll take it!" Jackalyn made a half smile and chuckled to herself how witty she was. It was obvious that the Malfoy boy had it bad for her, and she was going to play with his mind.

"Err…" Malfoy stuttered. "Let me see that book," he said. "Just want to see if it's in here," he quickly added.

Jackalyn hesitated and passed Draco the book. Her fingers accidentally brushed his as they made the transfer and she felt him shiver.

For a few seconds, Draco frantically flipped through the book's contents. He felt Jackalyn watching him and began to feel his palms get clammy. The book slipped between his fingers and crashed to the floor.

Draco bent down embarrassed, to pick up the spell book, then froze. The book had randomly opened to a page, which read _Countenance-Enhancer. "What is it?" Jackalyn asked, leaning down. She gently lifted the book and began to skim the page._

"What?" Draco asked.

"You're genius, Draco Malfoy!"

* * *

The night before the Magic Fair found Hermione in her dormitory with her teacup, perfecting the last few lines of "La bamba."

"…Por ti sere, por ti sere. La-aa bamba, la-aa bamba…" the teacup sang loudly. Once it had finished, Hermione leapt off her bed and started clapping enthusiastically. However the teacup, instead of being encouraged by this, sagged and moaned,_ "Yo soy muy aburrido!"_

Hermione, taken aback, said, "Teacup, you are certainly NOT boring! You are the most interesting teacup in the world! I'm sure that you're going to win the contest tomorrow, I can feel it!"

"¡Mentiras!" the teacup cried, rolling over on its side, wailing with misery.

Hermione examined the teacup. It reminded her of a huge and angrier version of the one from Beauty and the Beast, her favorite Disney movie from her childhood. Over the last few days, she had given the teacup not only a mouth, but also eyes and a cute button nose. It was such a shame it had such low self-esteem.

"Oh, teacup, I know you're nervous about the fair tomorrow, but don't be, everything's going to be-" but Hermione was interrupted by someone bursting angrily into her dorm. It was Ron.

"Hermione, your flea-bitten cat has been digging around in my trunk! Most of my things are all over the floor now!"

"Oh, Ron, you have possibly the worst timing ever! I was trying to cheer my teacup up, it's very upset!"

"Oh, well, God forbid that I would intrude on something that important!" Ron retorted scathingly. "It's a freaking teacup for goodness's sake!"

Hermione glowered at him, but before she could say anything back, Crookshanks leapt up on her bed, made a sort of gagging noise, and coughed up a very skimpy pair of bright orange briefs with the Chudly Cannons logo on them. 

The teacup took one look at these and burst into hysterical laughter. Hermione, who was too shocked to laugh, looked down, at the undergarment and then up at Ron whose face was beginning to match the color of his underwear.

"Damn cat!" Ron shouted, lunging for Crookshanks. "Trying to make a fool of me, eh? Well, I'll teach you not to mess with Ronald Weasley!" Crookshanks leapt deftly out of Ron's reach and bounded out the door, made a noise that sounded something like a cat-giggle. This left Hermione and Ron all alone- that is if you overlooked the teacup that was laughing so hard it nearly fell off Hermione's bed. Hermione silenced the teacup by placing a pillow on top of it and then looked at Ron.

For a second Ron and Hermione's eyes locked, but Ron looked away. "Those are girls underwear, Ron!" blurted Hermione. Her cheeks grew really hot, but nearly as hot as Ron's.

"I've never worn them!" responded Ron angrily. He grabbed the briefs out of Hermione's hands and dashed out of the room a bit quicker than he should have. At the door to the top of the stairs, Ron tripped over the hems of his robes, falling flat onto his face. To brace the impact, Ron flung his hands in front of him and let go of the underpants. They fell through the banister and down to the floor below the girl's staircase.

"Oh God!" whispered Hermione. She had rushed to the door to help Ron up. Ron had thought that nothing else could go wrong… but boy did it!

Lee Jordan, Quidditch commentator and seventh year Gryffindor was sitting studiously in a sofa near the girl's end of the common room, reading a book. Suddenly, a pair of girl's panties landed on his face. 

"What the heck…!" Lee shouted. Alicia took one look at the slinky underpants and slapped Lee hard across the face, leaving a purple handprint on his skin. "Alicia!" 

"Don't talk to me!" she shouted. "Whose are these? Are they Katie's?" Alicia asked suspiciously. "Where is that skank!" she asked before Lee could respond. He pressed his finger tenderly to the bruise and shook his head.

"Alicia…" But Fred and George were laughing. In fact, he was nearly on the floor in hysterics. For the twins could see what had really happened. The boys were sitting on a sofa across from Lee and Alicia's, and had a plain view of the girl's staircase, which was where Ron and Hermione were staring wide-eyed at the scene below them.

"Give me those, Alicia," gasped Fred, in-between wheezes. Dumbfound, she handed him the orange panties. Finally pulling himself together, Fred mouthed across the room at his younger brother, "hey Ron… nice panties!" Then he flung them with perfect aim like a slingshot right into Ron's hands, exchanging an evil grin with George. Ron, completely humiliated and ashamed, threw his underwear onto the floor, put his face in his hands, and slumped down on the step, wishing he could just dissolve into thin air.

"Um, Ron?" Hermione started.

"Don't. Say. Anything. Ron mumbled into his hands.

"I was just going to ask…would you-would you mind very much if I kept these?" she asked timidly, picking up the garment and holding it up for Ron to see.

_The next day...Hogsmeade…_

Once everyone arrived in Hogsmeade Square, the Hogwarts students began setting up their projects on tables that had been conjured up for the occasion. The judges were wandering around, looking at each project in turn. When they came to look at Hermione's melodious cabinet dweller, they ooed and ahhed as the teacup sang it's little song. 

The next table the judges inspected was Draco and Jacklyn's, which had Goyle sitting in a chair, looking nervous. Draco drew himself up in a disdainful way and said, "Hello ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to witness is what Jackalyn and I like to call "The Countenance-Enhancer Spell." Draco was sounding like one of those pushy home shopping channel salesmen. "With a little flick of one's wand, all your blemishes and imperfections will be erased simply and effectively. Watch as I demonstrate on Goyle here." He raised his wand… Suddenly, a loud bang sounded from the other side of the square._ It was so loud that it made everyone turn and look at what had caused the disturbance. It was a blonde madman with knotted disheveled hair, ragged stubble, a torn electric blue tunic with bright pink tights. He was waving his wand around like a lunatic, pointing it at everything in sight._

"WHO AM I?!?!?!" he bellowed to the crowd. "WHO THE HELL AM I!?!?!?!?!" As Harry, Ron and Hermione watched this man more closely, the realized that it was none other than...

"Gilderoy Lockhart! I can't believe it, that's really him!" Ron gasped. Indeed, Gilderoy looked nothing like his former self, his skin had dirt caked onto in and his famous teeth were yellowed and disgusting. In his blind rage, he ran throughout the square, overturning tables and causing some faint-hearted witches to pass out from shock. 

"WHO AM I!!!!!" Gilderoy demanded as he reached Draco and Jackalyn's table. He looked down on Goyle, who hadn't moved a muscle in his chair, pointed his wand directly in Goyle's face and shouted :WHO AM I?!?!?!?!?! TELL ME OR YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET IT!!!!!!"

Goyle was petrified. His small brain couldn't fathom what was happening. He tried to speak, but his voice died in his throat. Gilderoy, who was far beyond deranged at this point, bellowed, "I AM NOT A CLOCK!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THAT!!!!!" he waved his wand, but before he managed to mutter his spell…

A yell like that of a gorilla sounded out of nowhere. "NOOOOOOOO!!!" Crabbe was sprinting over to Goyle as if in slow motion and leaped in front of his friend (or maybe secret lover… who knows?). Gilderoy muttered _"Narizless!" His wand let off a deafening bang and when the smoke from the spell cleared, Crabbe was without a nose._

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Crabbe screamed in pain and humiliation. Everyone was gawking at him with either disgust or cruel pleasure, except for Eloise Midgen, who suddenly seemed _very interested in Crabbe. _

"Ok everyone, out of my way!" Madame Pomfrey pushed and shoved people out of her path as she made her way over to Crabbe.

"Alright sonny, we're just going to put you under a sleeping spell, and when you wake up, you'll be as good as new!" she took a small bottle of purple liquid out of her pocket and made Crabbe drink. Slowly, Crabbe drifted out of consciousness.

* * *

Crabbe woke up on the ground in the middle of Hogsmeade Square, with a stabbing pain in his chest. He tried to sit up, but someone pushed him gently back onto the ground. It was Goyle.

"Don't move," he said soothingly, "It'll be better for you not to look."

"Not to look at what?" Crabbe asked, confused. He pushed Goyle off him, sat up, and looked down. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Crabbe cried as he saw his brand new, size 36 C breasts.

"Oops!" giggled Lockhart, who was standing sheepishly behind Goyle, twirling his wand nervously between his fingers.

"That can happen sometimes."

THE END

_A/N YAYAYAYAYYA!!! The mean scary fic is finally over!!!! This fic was written by ~*Tinkerbell*~ and Juliette. oh anf btw, Menti__ras__ = lies in S__panish in case y'all didn't get that_


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